If you didn’t see my post a few weeks ago, go back and visit it here. Also this post has triggers of miscarriage and loss, please do not read on if these things will be upsetting to you. Many of you know that I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks 6 days. I share my story, because I was searching for answers and stories, it was so hard to find any information on miscarriage. What to expect, what things helped, what didn’t work. I want my story to help others, who, unfortunately find themselves in a similar situation. I went in for my 10 week check and baby had went to be with Jesus. It has been a long process and I was determined to have a natural miscarriage for so many reasons.
DNC was my last choice, as I knew that the chances of scar tissue develop and that it can effect further pregnancies. I went on our trip to Hawaii and decided if nothing had happened by the time we got back, then I would start to encourage things. I did a great acupuncture session, which helped calm me down; and she gave me some herbs to take every few hours. They started my cramps, but nothing actually came of any of that. After discussing with my midwives the next step they referred me to see an OB; that way if I had to have surgical intervention I would already be followed. I went in to see the OB last week (I was 15 weeks pregnant) and baby was still there and measuring 9 weeks 1 day; nothing had changed.
They advised me to take two doses of cytotec and offered me pain killers in the process. She was pretty convinced that it would encourage my body to move forward. At this point we had already been at this about 5 weeks and I was just ready to start “moving on.” I took the cytotec at 8 pm and waited for things to happen. I woke up at 1230 am in a pool of blood and thought, ok- this is it, it’s finally going to end. I was up for about 2 hours, took the pain killers and went back to bed. I slept on a heating pad and when I woke up the next day I felt as if, there as no way that was all. I called the doc and she agreed, so I had to take the second dose that evening. That dose did nothing. I went in on Saturday and she did an ultrasound and to our surprise the baby was gone. I felt so much relief. I had had over 5 weeks of knowing that my baby was with Jesus and now, physically, I knew she was with Him too. I cried, both tears of relief and sadness; mostly grateful- that in the doctor’s words- I was 95% of the way done. God had given me a picture of her dancing with Jesus weeks ago, and as I was driving home; there was a song playing that I had never heard and every word was about dancing with Him. I knew that was His gift to me.
The doctor sent me home with one more medication, methergine, and said that it would cause the last little clot I still had left to come out. I took it over the weekend and nothing happened. I woke up monday morning and I was in terrible pain, blood was flowing out of me, and I finally called the doctor because I was worried something was wrong. She thought that the medication was working and it should end as soon as the last little clot came out. She was right and I was again relieved, I was finally done. This has been almost 6 week process, and I am just so ready to move on.
Fast-forward to the end of the week, today. I totally forgot I had been scheduled for a follow up ultrasound and check in with the doctor and rushed as fast as I could, with two kids in tow- to the office, just in time. I thought- awesome, this is the last time I have to see this office. Let’s just be done. They took me back for an ultrasound and as soon as I saw the screen, I knew what was coming. The clot was actually bigger and nothing had changed since Saturday. I was again, devastated. Seriously, we still aren’t done. I should be 16 weeks pregnant, and instead I’m still dealing with a pregnancy, 6 weeks later, that has gotten me no where. Without them saying I word, I knew what was coming. DNC. I had worked so hard to stay away from surgery, I had literally taken every medication, done every single thing they said- and yet, still; I’m having surgery.
So my story of natural miscarriage is ending as a story of very “un-natural” miscarriage. I am thankful to have tried every single thing to avoid having surgery, and know that this is the only thing left to do. I can’t say I would ever encourage the path I chose to get here, but for us, this was the only way to know. I want to share my story in hopes that mama’s can know; there is no right answer. It’s all terrible- that’s the truth. There is no way to make it suck less. There is no way to heal the emptiness of knowing your baby is gone. My hope is that any mama who is currently walking this road (which I am SO sorry for,) do what you have to do for you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you did it wrong, or made some mistake; we all have to go through the physical and emotional process of loss differently. And if you’re willing- share your story.
There are so many mamas who feel so alone, so isolated but in reality at least 25% of pregnancies end this way. No mama should ever feel alone in the process. Know that you are loved, and not alone. We all belong to a club we never wanted to be a part of- but while we’re here, let’s support each other in the process.